I Wanna Pull Out My Hair-y

If you're a reality-phile like me, in the last 48 hours, you've probably read about Fox's new show I Wanna Marry "Harry." Yes, the quotation marks around Harry are intentional.

If you haven't, read on. Like the early 2000s phenomenon, Joe Millionaire, the show will feature a few dozen dumb-dumbs. This time, instead of competing to marry a fake millionaire, they will be competing to marry a fake Harry, as in Prince Harry. That's right, Fox was able to find enough women in the American populace to cast an entire show of idiots who not only believe Prince Harry needs TV to find a woman, but also believe they have a chance of marrying the actual Prince. 

On the upside, these women are so dumb, there's bound to be some great one-liners. Another reason to watch the show is that the guy they cast as "Harry" is actually better looking than the real Prince Harry. I mean, I don't know if he's rich or anything, but he's pretty hot for a ginger.

The show premieres May 27, but you don't have to wait that long. Watch a sneak preview here: http://www.zap2it.com/blogs/watch_the_amazing_i_wanna_marry_harry_promo-2014-04

Consider Me Charmed

I'm pretty sure everyone is as excited for tonight's season finale of Southern Charm as I am. We get to find out what happens after Whitney tells Thomas that he, too, slept with Kathryn Dennis. (Yes, that's the most annoying way to spell Catherine.) Spoiler alert: They don't break up, or at least not for long, which I know because gossip sites reported this morning that Kathryn is currently pregnant with T-Ravanations!!!!! baby. Apparently, that pregnancy scare earlier in the season was only scary for us. 

Obviously, Kathryn had some master plan, which makes the possibility of the whole season being staged pretty slim. Even if those other one night stands were fiction, who can resist the scandal of lovers with 30 years between them? (See my blog about Extreme Cougar Wives if you don't believe me.) So we love this show, and it isn't completely scripted--what are we going to do if there isn't a season 2? The media reported that Kathryn and Thomas are currently living in Florida, and I'm hoping it's only temporary. I must see the flame-haired, squinty-eyed spawn of those two on the small screen. 

And who could forget McConaughey-lookalike Shep, parakeet Jenna, or the unofficial inspiration of Arthur the movie, Whitney? They imbibe, they eat fried food, and they remain scrawny, as if sweet tea is some sort of miracle diet elixir I should know about. Equally interesting is the self-cherishing ability to call oneself a gentleman or classy and simultaneously act like an ass.

But it's ok; I watch them anyway. This cast can be the Rhett to my Scarlett any day.

What's the trashiest reality show?

Recently, a friend asked me which reality show is the trashiest. I had to think about it for a solid week because, frankly, there are so many options. 

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding is pretty trashy, not because the Roma people are bad at all, but because I feel really guilty that the secretive people have opened up

their culture and homes to Western criticism and the media has portrayed them so atrociously. This is a group where the life expectancy is in the 50s for men. To put it in perspective, America hasn't seen that average age of death since the 1930s. The Romany finally trust mainstream culture enough to agree to filming, and we mock them. Classy.

And I know everyone thinks the Jersey Shore was pretty trashy. It was, but do we really know how many of those fights were scripted? I too would swing punches at $100k and episode. Yes, that's my price (and Pauly D's, too).

But the trashiest show I've ever seen is actually the obscure Battle of the Bods, based on the hit British show Hot Tub Ranking. Running from 2007 through 2009 on Fox Reality Channel, it's shot in tri-round game show format. 

The premise isn't very complex: Five women in swimwear line up and 3 men behind a two-way mirror rank them by face, another body part that is voted on by the women (legs, butt, or something), and then by overall appearance. Then, the women switch places and vote on the men for one round because, as everyone knows, what women look like is much more important than what men look like. (Insert sarcasm here.) There's a small amount of prize money too, if the women can rank themselves by guessing how the men ranked them. This is because there aren't enough jobs where women get paid for being attractive. (Sarcasm.) 

I've watched all three seasons, and during every episode, I scream at the women on the other side of the screen to play strategically by setting aside their personal hang-ups and actually thinking about how guys think. I'll pay you $100 if you can guess whether that ever happens. By the way, you can watch this trash for free on Hulu. You don't even have to have Hulu Plus, that's how good it is. Just make sure your children are fast asleep, because who would want to expose young minds to this stuff? I highly recommend the first episode in the series. Not a round goes by without tears. I can't imagine why parading around naked on television and being ranked like steak would be so upsetting. 

But really, it's trash.

Bravo's New Line-Up: What's new and what's known?

Yesterday, Bravo announced its new line-up including 15 new shows and 16 returning programs. Since Bravo is God's gift to reality TV, I thought I would provide commentary. To view the full list, go here: http://www.bravotv.com/blogs/the-dish/bravo-announces-15-new-and-16-returning-shows?cid=bravofb

New Reality Shows

Top Chef Duels: I would comment on this, but I think I already fell asleep when I saw the words "top chef."

Best New Restaurant: I thought this would be cool if it was set up in kind of a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives format, but then I realized it was going to be a competition. So, um, basically another extension of Top Chef.

100 Dates: This one sounds promising--and a lot like my social life before I met my fiance. The only difference it takes place in NYC. Maybe it will be a refreshed Millionaire Matchmaker.

Friends to Lovers: I believe this a grown-up version of MTV's Friendzone.

Manzo'd with Children: Are the Manzos of RHONJ dynamic enough to carry their own show?

Euros of Hollywood: It's Europeans in Hollywood. How is this different from regular Hollywood?

Ladies of London: A British Real Housewives. That could be awesome, except that the British Housewives are historically the most annoying ones.

Game of Crowns: Think Toddlers and Tiaras meets Cougar Wives.

Million Dollar Listings Miami: The success of this show will depend of the likability of the agents in this city. On the other hand, if they're unbearable, viewers might tune in anyway.

Jersey Belle: Sounds like Jersey Shore meets Kell on Earth.

Untying the Knot: A show about divorce. This one sounds original.

Extreme Guide to Parenting: Nanny 911 meets Wife Swap.

The RHOA: Kandi's Wedding: Kandi's not likable enough to have her own show. That is all.

Renewed Reality Shows

Below Deck: Have you ever met a single person who watches this?

Million Dollar Listings LA: No surprise here.

Top Chef: How many more times can we watch someone make souffle?

The Millionaire Matchmaker: I'm anxious to see what morons come back to Patti for another go-around. Also, will she get married this season?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta, and Beverly Hills: Again, not shocking.

Vanderpump Rules: <Sigh of Relief>

Newlyweds: Awesome! I wonder if it will feature the same couples as season 1.

...and many more.

What's the deal with The Real Housewives of New York City?

Is it just me, or are all the Real Housewives of New York City totally insane?

No, really. I've been an avid watcher of the show since the beginning, and as the seasons progress, the line between normal versus pathological cast members gets blurrier and blurrier. In the early years of the original cast (Ramona, Bethenny, LuAnn, Jill, and Alex), the ladies were apt to some occasional eccentric behavior. For instance, I remember thinking that Alex and Simon's relationship was pretty codependent, and LuAnn's canned aristocratic accent was annoying, but at least one lady per argument seemed like a rational human being. 

The crux of season 1 was the glamour, the incestuous upper social crust, and maybe some of the NYC culture that many middle Americans fetish-ize. It was sort of like Sex and the City, but with real people. Comparing the the first four episodes of season 6 to the good ol' days reminds me of The Sociopath Next Door. I find myself wondering if this is how people really act. Is it normal for women to talk behind each other's backs, attack each other's children and careers, and push each other at housewarming parties? Is it? IS IT?

I don't know whose side to take in the Carole vs. Aviva war. While Aviva seems sort of sad and pathetic, Carole just seems like a plain old witch. Sonja (Don't forget the sexy J) is perhaps the most likable character in the series, and she has 30 assistants. For what, you ask? I can only assume the heiress needs an assistant for her assistant for her assistant and maybe someone to peel Ramona off the floor after imbibing a bottle of her Ramona Pinot.

I'm waiting to see whether I will recognize any humanity in this season or I might have to stop watching faster than Heather can say Yummy Tummy.